"Here is a sad story. Paris
Hilton has a dog named Tinkerbell and Tinkerbell was missing. But don't
worry -- they found Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell was with the Taco Bell chihuahua
making a sex video."
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his
mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has
more positions than Paris
Hilton." —David Letterman
"At Madame Tussauds they unveiled a brand new wax statue -- the Paris
Hilton statue. And people tell me that this statue is so life-like
that the statue of Bill Clinton is hitting on it." --David Letterman